The Sunshine Kid

Conflicted

So the 19 year old (we shall call him E) and I hooked up again last night.  We hooked up for the first time in November and again in January.  It had been a little over a month since I fooled around with someone and incidentally, it was E. Read the rest of this entry »

Afraid

Let me sink in the opiate bath
my artificial reality of happiness
lift me up in your hands
cradle me in your arms
i close my eyes and sleep
where time doesn’t exist
feeling warm and peaceful
and perfect
in my dreams
…
…
don’t wake me
i’m afraid
protect me

Daddy Issues

So I was flirting with this 19 year old online one day.  We had exchanged numbers and he texted me and was like, “Hey Daddy!”  WTF?!? Was my reaction.  When did I become a daddy.  I know I’m over 30 and all, but damn!  See that’s why I can’t seriously date anyone younger than 5 to 7 years younger than me.

I’m not ready for cougar status.

Healing Takes Time

After this situation with D, I’ve been trying to pysch myself in thinking I was good without him, that he was a low down bastard not worth my heart.  Whether that’s true or not, I failed in pysching myself out.

I been in a little depressing mood, or funk, I would prefer to call it.  I don’t like to call what I’m feeling depression, because I can still laugh, talk and have a good time in spite of what my heart is going through.  High functioning depression maybe?

I’ve found myself thinking about him while laying in bed waiting for sleep to set in.  Thinking about him holding me like he did that last time.  Feeling the heat from his body.  Feeling his breath on the back of my neck.  Feeling him pulling me close to him throughout the night.

Anyway, I’ve finally realized that it’s just going to take time to get over this guy, I can even start to feel that it’s working.  But it sucks that this guy I once cared for (and somewhat still do), doesn’t seem to care or be concern about one iota about my life.  Is honesty so much to ask for these days?  Just tell me you’re not interested, I could deal with that better than total lack of apathy.

#idontgetit

Flags

When I meet new guys be it in real life or online, I have a set of flags that I monitor that go up depending on what the other person says or do.  There are green, yellow and red flags.  Green is of course good.  Yellow means warning or caution and red means, Uh oh. 

So this one guy hits me up on a certain social website that caters to a certain group of men.   He’s a nice looking guy; I can dig him.  He posts a message on my “wall” stating that he wants me to send him a message.  But he ends up sending a private message first.  In the message he complements me and sends me his number and tells me to call anytime.

So it’s Sunday morning and I call.  No answer, but I left a voicemail telling the guy who I am.  About 30 to 45 minutes later I get a text from him that says, “Good Morning! Who is this?”  I was like, “WHAT THE FUCK!? What the fuck did I leave a fucking voicemail for?”  A red flag went up. I was angry, HOT!  An hour later, I texted him back, “this is [insert social networking website handle here] from [insert said social networking website].” Then TWO hours later he responds.   I didn’t.  Then TWO hours after that he asks what my name is.   I can maybe understand that the first two to three hours he might have been in church or busy, but in the matter of about 3 hours, you should have listened to the voicemail by now.

So far this dude has struck out with me.  Listen to your fucking voicemail!

#thatisall

Healing

You little dick motherfucka
Why the hell am I sweatin you?
How the fuck I let you in my house
Cooked a fucking meal for you,
and then you fucked me.
I feel like the fucking fool.
And then you still try to use me.
You fucked over a good man.
Nigga you stupid.
FUCK YOU!

He Got Me

I wish I could say that, “Momma didn’t raise no fool.”  But I’ve done some very foolish things in my life and I have let people use me, get under my skin and what not.  I don’t regret that those things happened because I have learned to know it when I see it coming.  I suppose this one guy got me under cloak and dagger.  I will be the wiser the next time.  Sometimes I just don’t understand men.  Seems like I would being one myself.

About four weeks ago, I get hit up on BGC (I KNOW I KNOW).  After years of being a member of these “hook up” sites, I know the types of guys that are mostly on there.  They are mostly Bullshitters.  So, when I meet someone from those sites, my expectations are VERY low.

My profile on BGC pretty much says, “I’m an uncomplicated dude not looking for mess and or drama.  No broke dudes.  Looking for friends, hook ups or relationships (HA!) <— me being cynical, sorry“  Certain attributes are filled in with truth, while certain ones are left out. Read the rest of this entry »

Was I Wrong for That

I’m an unapologetic introvert.  Don’t get me wrong; I LOVE people and I do love to socialize.  I just have to be in the mood for it.  Most times I have reservations about going to parties and going out with friends, but most of the time, I always end up enjoying myself.

About a month ago (about a week before Thanksgiving), I got a REALLY bad cold.  I took a few days off of work to get better.  Being bored at home, I got on A4A to see what was going on there.  I had no intention in hooking up because I was really feeling bad and I didn’t really feel like being bothered with anyone.  But whether I’m sick or not, I still enjoy looking at naked men and their body parts. Read the rest of this entry »

Inaugural Post

Welcome to yet another blog on the web.  A little about myself:  I work in IT. I’m an African American male in my early 30s, and I love technology… and men. *lol*

I’m not a prolific writer, but I do like to share my thoughts and get feedback.  So you may stumble upon grammatical errors and spelling errors; I’m still human and enjoy being one.  Even if no one ever reads this thing, I will use this space as a public personal journal/diary.

I can be found on twitter at: http://twitter.com/sunshineked