I wish I could say that, “Momma didn’t raise no fool.” But I’ve done some very foolish things in my life and I have let people use me, get under my skin and what not. I don’t regret that those things happened because I have learned to know it when I see it coming. I suppose this one guy got me under cloak and dagger. I will be the wiser the next time. Sometimes I just don’t understand men. Seems like I would being one myself. 
About four weeks ago, I get hit up on BGC (I KNOW I KNOW). After years of being a member of these “hook up” sites, I know the types of guys that are mostly on there. They are mostly Bullshitters. So, when I meet someone from those sites, my expectations are VERY low.
My profile on BGC pretty much says, “I’m an uncomplicated dude not looking for mess and or drama. No broke dudes. Looking for friends, hook ups or relationships (HA!) <— me being cynical, sorry“ Certain attributes are filled in with truth, while certain ones are left out.
Now, I know nikkas lie on their profiles. When it comes to their height and dick size, I automatically subtract a couple of inches and with weight, I add some pounds. I don’t hit up dudes on these sites. I don’t chase dudes (AT ALL). So when I get messages from dudes, I may or may not respond depending on certain things. Age is a factor with me. If you are under 25 and over 45, you won’t have much luck with trying to hola at me unless you are hot and all we are doing is screwing. 
I do appreciate the company of guys who are around my age more. So as far as relationships go, anyone + or – 7 years of my age is good. Not that I wouldn’t consider anyone younger or older, but it’ll be a big minus in my tally sheet.
Another big issue with me is race. Along with age, I need some commonality. I prefer black men. Even the so called “mixed” brother’s I avoid. Not to say I wouldn’t date someone outside of my race, but men who date black men or date black men exclusively, tend to have a Mandingo complex. I’m NOT trying to be any body’s black man fantasy. I love my bruthas; even those with their issues. Besides, my nose is sensitive and it’s use to the sent of a black man. I’ve fooled around with guys of other races, but it’s definitely not the same. Not to say I’m not physically attracted to some of other races. I’ve seen some HOT HOT HOT HOT white, Latino, Native American, Asia and middle Eastern fellas. If I do date, or even hook up with someone who isn’t black, he’s got to have six pack abs, pecs for days and have a hairy chest and stomach! A full beard would be icing on the cake and then I would be in lust! 
WOOOO!
So this guy hits me up; says he wants to get to know me. Blah blah, heard that song and dance before. By this time, I had deleted my A4A account and I was checking BGC every 4 to 5 days. When I log in, I would check my messages and not log out. I didn’t log out so people could still find me when I was away.
So I respond back to dude telling him that would be cool blah blah. Maybe a week later passes and he’s like, we are we going to get to talk. I’m like wow, he’s serious. So I give him my number. Same day, he then asks if I’m on YIM; I give him my yahoo id and he hits me up. Says wassup and IMs me his number. I hate when they do that. Nikka, I gave you MY number, YOU call me and then I’ll have your number (remember, I don’t chase dudes). Anyway, the IM convo was dry and dead with drab pleasantries and mini bios we gave each other.
Let’s call this guy, “D” for the sake of this essay.
It was the 13th of December, a Sunday. D was on his way to church and I was getting ready to head out of town for a conference for a few days. He asked for a pic and I sent him a somewhat recent pic from my phone. His response, “that’s what’s up?” I HATE that phrase and I still don’t what that means; I guess it’s a good thing. *LOL* He sent me a pic of him. The pic was pretty hot. He was wearing shades in the pic, which annoyed me. I wanted to see his eyes. I shrugged it off. Again, keeping my expectations low.
I asked where he lived and it was some place I never heard of before. It looked to be about 45 minutes to an hour away (just eying it on Google Maps) and it wasn’t along any major interstates or highways. I was not feeling that. He was interested in meeting when I got back from my conference. I assured him we would be in touch as I would be free during the evenings while I was there.
A coworker was going to ride with me to the conference (we had a three hour ride), and while I was on my way to pick her up, he calls. Good boy. We had a somewhat pleasant conversation. Again, my expectations were low. I told him I would call him back after I got there and got settled into my room. He was fine with that and we hung up.
Me and my coworkers arrived at our destinations safe and sound and on time. We registered for the conference, got our rooms and went out to eat. I had this nice suite at the Marriott and I was anxious to get back to my room and dabble in luxury.
My room was gorgeous! For $200 a night, it better had been. (Am I was glad I got reimbursed for staying there). It was a suite situated on the third floor of one of Hotel’s newer buildings. There was a separate living room, bedroom with a king size bed. A large bathroom with a stand up shower with a glass enclosure and tiled walls and a separate tub. There were dual sinks with a marble counter top. The entrance to the bedroom from the living room was through double French doors. Both rooms had 30″ something flat screen TV. I turned both on just because. I had two rocking chairs on my balcony which over looked a small harbor that had a several small boats and a medium size yacht. It wasn’t a small yacht, but I’ve seen larger. The harbor wouldn’t have been able to contain a large one anyway. The room was very romantic. Made me wish I had someone to share it with.
While exploring my room I called D letting him know that we made it safely and I told him how nice it was and how nice it would have been to share it with someone special. *hint* *hint* We talked for a while that night, getting to know each other and what not. My mobile phone reception was shitty and so was his, so over the course of the evening either of or phones would drop the call. It was annoying, but we got through it.
I believe we talked for a couple of hours on and off that night. It was getting late (11ish) and I decided that we’ll talked later. I needed my rest; I don’t care who I’m talking to.
All in all, the conference was a snoozer. I brought my MacBook Pro with me hoping to have wireless internet, but most times it didn’t work either through poor signal, or the internet just plain didn’t work. Surfing the web on my iPhone was useless. The phone refuse to hang onto a 3G connection and even on edge, my signal was often shady.
Our last day at the conference was Wednesday. There was nothing in particular we needed to attend on that day, so we decided just to leave whenever check out was.
D and I had already made plans for him to come visit me Wednesday evening. I got home that day after 3, enough time to straighten up and clean up before he came over. Over the three days that we talked, I started feeling this guy, just a little. So I had already made up in my mind that we weren’t going to go “all the way”. I am a horny bastard, so I figure something was going to pop off if we are both attracted to each other.
My movie collection is kind of sparse; especially after I got rid of my illegally copied DVD collection. I’m a member of Netflix and I would copy movies I rented from them; the ones I really liked anyway. Back in 2007, my conscience got the best of me and I decided to get rid of all illegally acquired media; be it software, movies or music. The fall of 2006 through 2007 was one of the low points in my life and I didn’t want to block any blessings from above. And the fact that I knew it was wrong too. I digress…
Anyway, the movies I did have I really didn’t want to watch them. But I did have Terminator: Salvation from Netflix that was waiting in the mail for me. I saw it in the movies this summer, but I wanted to watch it again. Needless to say, we didn’t finish it… But I’m jumping the gun.
D arrived somewhere between 6 and 7. He’s alot cuter in person; which doesn’t happen often. When I answered the door we greeted each other and then he went in for a hug. Don’t get me wrong, I’m an affectionate person, but when it comes to strangers, I’m not all touchy feely. I don’t know why gay folks have to hug all the time. LOL
He had on a pair of slacks with a shirt and some dress shoes, which makes up this attire for work. He’s 31, about 6’2″ to 6’3″ (I love that height range), light skinned, low hair cut, mustache and goatee. He’s kinda thick I guess; he weights about 240 lbs according to my scale he stepped on. He’s a member of a certain fraternity I won’t mention. I don’t get off on the whole frat thing at all, but I figured I’d mention it for those who do. 
I was STARVING! I decided to wait so that we could eat and watch the movie together. We got some Chinese since it was the closet food venue to my house. We rod there together in my car. I tickled him by rapidly squeezing his thigh, just to be playful and also determine to see how ticklish he was. He was a little; he responded as so.
After we got back to my apartment, I put the movie on and we both sat on my couch and I began to dig into my food. I could hardly focus on the movie. I had this sexy as man sitting next to me keeping me company. Kind of felt like a date. LOL Even though I was starving before, I didn’t eat half of my food and I got full; which is strange because usually I can tear through some Chinese food with no problem.
I pushed the food away and I sat back on the couch attempting to get into the movie. After a few minutes, while he was still eating, he asked, “You’re not going to finish that?” I told him, “I’m not hungry anymore.” He then said, “So what you’re trying to say is that you lost your appetite when you saw me.” We both laugh. I love a guy with a sense of humor. I told him that wasn’t the case at all. If anything, I was full off his sexiness, his aura.
After he finished eating, he sat back on the couch as well. A minute or two later and reaches out and grabs my thigh. I thought, wow, he likes me enough he’s touching me back. A good sign I thought, or maybe he was just horny. He grabs my hand and we start holding hands for a while. This is nice, was one of my thoughts. Hand holding led to more hand holding. I started to let my hands explore his and his arms. I started rubbing the back of his head. He told me not to do that or it would put him to sleep. I kept doing it anyway.
A little while later, he leaned back on me. I situated myself on the couch where my back was resting on one of the arm rests. As he was laying on me, he reaches back for my nipples. I was like, “Boy! what are you doing?” He didn’t say anything, he just kept messing with them. I normally don’t get off on nipple play, but when you have a sexy man showing you some affection, it gets to you. I was really starting to get turned on.
After a little while of this, he gets up and says he’s going to get more comfortable. Uh oh. Anyway, he asks for a towel and wash cloth and he gets in the shower. When he’s done, he walks out wearing only boxers and holding his bag. I wasn’t expecting for him to get this comfortable. LOL He looked around acting a little silly. I thought it was cute.
He sits on the couch and this time, I lay on him. I still have my shirt and sweat pants on. I’m someone self conscious of my body image. I know everyone isn’t into big dudes and I didn’t want to “gross” him out just yet. As I was laying on him, he proceeds to play with my nipples again. Then he starts kissing me on the back of my neck and then my ears. “Ruh Roh” as Scooby would say.
I turn around and straddled myself over him and start kissing him. He has then lips (for a black guy) which made kissing him a challenge. I LOVE kissing and I LOVE kissing a brutha with some full lips. This was different, but I enjoyed kissing him none the less and he was “kissing” back. I also loved how his facial hair felt all prickly on my skin. It was hawt! 
I worked on his neck some and then proceeded to work down to his nipples and then down to his dick. By this time, I already knew the brother wasn’t packing. He would be considered to be small. Short dick and no girth. It wasn’t tiny, but I would say it’s small. How a 6’3″ duded with big hands get a small dick, I don’t know. 
I am by no means a size queen, but I would like a nice piece to play with. I don’t understand how people take 8 and 9 inch plus dicks with crazy thickness. I look at the ruler and I’m like, oh hell nah. I don’t want my insides rearranged. I’m not that experienced as a bottom when it comes to getting penetrated. Weeks and even months may go by between me getting penetrated, so it’s almost like a new experience each time. I’ve had it enough to know what to expect though.
D’s profile said he had 9.5 which I knew was a lie. I figured it would be about 7. I didn’t even get that. But that’s not what’s important! I proceeded to give him expert head anyway which I’m sure he enjoyed through his sexy moans and him putting his hands on my head.
I decided to take this too the bedroom because I didn’t want to mess up my couch. It’s brand new!
To speed things along, we made out some more in the bed room. Did a lot of grinding and dick rubbing. Neither of us came. I busted one earlier that morning and I’m usually good for the day if I had a nut. I don’t know if he was tired or what, but he didn’t get a nut either. I told him I didn’t want to go all the way even though he was begging to get in this ass. 
Anyway. I had a good time and so did he, so he says… He left that night. I had a smile on my face. We talked after he got home. We talked again that morning and every day that week. We actually talked every day up to Wednesday of the following week.
The week of Christmas, we planned for him to come over that Wednesday and he was going to spend the night. Woohoo! I was off Tuesday for the Holidays and Wednesday was his last day. He decided that while he was here that they that he would finish the rest of his Christmas shopping for his family. He also wanted me to cook for him.
I’m not a cook. I can follow directions on the box with no problems. I have a few signature dishes I can make from scratch. I can make a mean Lasagna, spinach or meat. My sweet potato pies are off the chain and I also know how to make tofu cheesecakes which is also a hit. I can also make a pumpkin roll, inspired by a great aunt. I usually only do that kind of cooking once and year and for special occasions. Other than that I’m reading instructions or boiling vegetables in water seasoning them with salt or season salt and butter.
I wanted to try and make a turkey. I had never done one before. D wanted lasagna. I decided not to acquiesce to that since I had already bought the ingredients to make a turkey. I had plan on cooking jasmine rice and collard greens with it along with some pre-made wheat rolls.. I haven’t graduated to making dressing yet. That’s next. Also my mac n cheese needs some work and I haven’t made corn bread in years and it wasn’t from scratch.
I was actually excited about the prospect of cooking for someone. D wanted me to cook. Actually, he demanded that I did. No take out for him. His words, “You gotta cook.” Sure babes, anything for you. I’m such a sucker.
Dinner was a hit. We were too full to consume the cheese cake that I had a coworker make for me for dessert. We went shopping. While we were out, I somewhat secretly bought him a card and a *cough* $50 Best Buy Gift Certificate *cough*. In retrospect, I thought it was a bit much, but I cared for the guy and he was being unselfish trying to get his whole family presents. I thought that was sweet. I wasn’t expecting anything in return.
By the time we got back, it was late and needless to say, I was exhausted and so was he. He jumped in the shower and I got on the computer. I chatted with a few friends of mine, listened to some music and played Mahjong Titans while I waited. This one guy who I met on the internet 10 years ago and in real life in 2004, 2007 and just recently a few months ago hit me up talking crazy. He’s talking about he’s suppose to be visiting the area for work conference and that he wanted some ass. I’ve told him time and time again that I’m not interested. He’s one of them fem tops. Totally not interested. He’s not a bad looking brother either. I gave him a little head back in 2007 when he was visiting the area for work. Of course he fell in love with my head game. (who doesn’t?)
I told dude that my man just finished his shower and I had to go take mine. I didn’t wait for his response and proceeded to log out of my IM programs and hop in the shower. I figured tonight was going to be the night I gave him some so I performed the necessary preparations.
When I got out of the shower, I saw the most adorable scene in my room. He was under the covers sleep in the middle of the bed. The covers were pulled up to his stomach with this chest exposed. He was wearing a white tanktop, but his chest hairs were still exposed. He has a nice hairy chest by the way. Soft hair! Woo baby! One arm was laid straight out. He looked so peaceful there sleeping and sexy too. Damn he looked good. I had a good looking brother in my bed. FINALLY! My heart melted. I actually wanted to take a picture, but I didn’t know if he was fake sleeping or not. I should have tried to take one anyway. DAMMIT!
Anyway, I turned the lights off and got in the bed. I had to wake him so he would scoot over. He laid on his back and I laid facing him rubbing my hands on his chest hair. Since he was tired, I decided not to mess with him and to roll over and go to sleep. When I rollover he cuddled up behind me and put his hands on my dick. I wiggle my ass on his groin and we laid there for a while. Then he starts kissing the back of my neck. I was getting turned on. I told him, don’t start nothing you don’t intend on finishing. Then he went for my ear. He had my body going. I pull off my underwear and reach for his dick and put it on my ass. He proceeded to grind into my ass he was kissing the back of my neck. I was sooo turned on. I got on top of him and started kissing him. Then he started sucking and biting my nipples. “Ooww!!!” I yelled a couple of times. He’s a fucking biter! I told him not so hard. Apparently he like his nipples bit hard. He’s not the first guy I met like that; he had a little dick too… Hrm… 
Anyway, I slide all the way down and start my head magic. I was trying to make this dude cum. After a while he was like, you want some of this dick, I said yeah. He was like, you sure? I and told him yeah. I asked if he had some condoms. I had some magnums, but he told me he didn’t like those (I wonder why. LOL). Anyway, I rolled the condom he gave me on his dick. Lubed him up, lubed myself and handed him the bottle and told him to put some more on me.
We started off with him on my back. Even though he’s small, that initial pain is still a bitch. After he got himself “all the way in,” the pain subsided and he started getting to work. He had me on all fours, on my stomach and on my back. He wasn’t the best fuck, but certainly wasn’t the worse. I didn’t know how long the session lasted, but I was anxious for him to hurry up and finished. He ended up pulling out with me on my back and my legs around him and he nutted on my stomach. He collapsed on top of me and he started kissing some more. We laid there for a while and he eventually dozed off. When he started snoring, I woke him up. We cleaned up and got back in the bed.
I didn’t sleep well that night. His body temp made the bed hot and he kept pulling me into him while I was trying to sleep. He’s a cuddler which is nice. I didn’t mind it, I just couldn’t sleep.
We woke up the next day. We chit chatted a bit. He had to get home and wrap presents. When he went to go warm up his car and take his stuff out of my car and put them into his, I noticed a card on the table address to me from him. I picked up the card and pressed it against the sliding glass door. I knocked on the door to get his attention. I made a surprised silly face and I pointed at the card. He mocked my expression.
The card had a light blue background with darker silhouette (<— can’t believe I just spelled that correctly in one go. lol) snow flakes laid about in a pattern. There were two red mittens with a white strip near the wrist area. Each mitten had two little balls dangling on them. Below the mittens it read, “When it comes to friends…” Inside the card, he wrote my name next to, “… we make a great pair. Merry Christmas.” Below that he wrote, ” Hope you enjoy your holiday Season. D 2009″
His penmanship is atrocious, but it’s the thought that counts. I just smiled and smiled. I gave him his card. My message to him was more inspirational. I didn’t want to write anything too mushy not knowing how he felt, besides, I’ve only known him a week. We play kissy face and then he leaves. One thing I noticed about him is that he uses his silliness or humor as a form of defense mechanism to mask how’s he’s really feeling.
I knew I wasn’t going to hear from him much over the next few days since he was going to be around his family. We spoke a little bit on Thursday and a little bit on Christmas that evening.
But on Saturday, things went down hill, fast! I got a text from him Saturday afternoon and that was the last I heard from him until Monday, the 28th. No calls or text were returned. He hits me up on Yahoo IM saying that he lost his phone. I didn’t believe it. I don’t know if I still do. I told him he needed to let me know or something. I didn’t like not being able to communicate with him. He was still logging into BGC and Facebook, but I felt like he could have at least sent me some type of message letting me know what was going on. I thought the time that we spent together meant something to him. It did to me… and then the card. At least that’s what his actions showed. He did 180 on me. That wasn’t cool.
So somewhere between the the 29th and 30th I guess he finds his phone. I texted and called and he still wouldn’t return either. I felt confused and hurt. Did he not like me or something? If he didn’t like me, how come he just didn’t tell me. Then I got mad at myself for letting some dude make me feel this way. I tried to suppress my feelings and say fuck it. I’m a good dude. His sorry ass is missing out. But the fact that I didn’t know that the problem was still bothered me deep down.
I decided to remove him as my friend on BGC. It seem like he was going on with his life as he was still logging into BGC and Facebook. At least with BGC, it would tell you if someone removed you as a friend. So I decided to drop him a hint. By this time, I had already removed him from my Yahoo. Out of site, out of mind. I was trying.
I was basically feeling like, Mr. D, FUCK YOU NIGGA!
While I was chilling at work on the 31st, he hits me up on Yahoo. He apologizes profusely for not keeping in touch. And he notice that I removed him from as a friend on BGC. He said that it wasn’t anything I did, and that I did everything right (of course I did). Then he said that he was dealing with some issues with his ex. Mind you he and his ex was in a seven year relationship and they broke up about 5+ months ago. I asked him early on was he sure of starting something else after being in a relationship that long. He assured me he was. I should have known better. He Got Me! So he’s still dealing with some baggage. I was like, cool man I understand you need time. Just communicate with me. I did feel better, but I’m going to still do my thing. I got dudes knocking on my door. Granted, they aren’t relationship material, but hell.
I still want to give this guy a chance. Being here in Alabama, it’s difficult finding someone and when I meet someone that I connect with, I tend to latch on a little too early, a little too tightly.
Another lesson learned.